An anxious day

Just on the edge of anxious.  Today felt like I was just on the edge of being anxious. Not jittery, shaky and wild thoughts, but buzzing. Not happy, not sad, just a buzzy type feeling for most of the day, when I was alone with my own thoughts. I took the time to run races with the kids on the playground today. Exercise, kid laughter helps.

I went to bed late and woke up right at 6:00 am this morning. Woke up because I had to go to the bathroom. But when I wake up, I cannot seem to get back to sleep. It is like my mind is on full alert. Looking for signals on if I am going to be anxious or not. Is my stomach upset? How about my neck, is that creepy-crawly feeling there? Oh, my heart is beating too fast, I can feel it, it might be a heart problem (it is not).  Oh, is that cramps? Maybe you have cancer of the uterus or ovarian cancer? I read some of the symptoms of that, you may have it. 

My goal during this time is to “set my mind on things above”. I pull up my Bible app. I read my Bible. I go over the scripture verses I am trying to memorize.

But in the back of my mind, I am always analyzing. Analyzing every little feeling my body has. Is that a heart flutter? Atrial Fibrillation runs in the family, maybe you have it now because you cannot control your anxiety? Someone once said you can get high blood pressure problems from being anxious. Maybe you have high blood pressure?  Maybe you will be like this FOREVER? (It has only been a week).

I want to go back to feeling “normal”. But what is normal? For me it is not feeling like my head has pressure across my forehead and not feeling creepy-crawly feelings up the back of my neck and getting hot. I want to think about work situation without feeling all these horrible, overwhelming feelings of dread. 

A Funny Animal

When I began my anxiety journal, I began every entry with this sentence. “Anxiety is a funny animal.”  Then I would go on to describe what was going on in my mind. During a trip, we went to a zoo and the orangutans seemed to jump out at me. I bought a stuffed orange orangutan and began using it as an analogy for my anxiety.

Anxiety is a funny animal. It is awkward and hairy, big and scary. It is an orangutan named George.  George can sit calmly for long periods of time, then all of a sudden explode into a wild frenzy of energy. That is how my anxiety feels to me. Most days I am fine, then I all of a sudden I explode, my heart racing, can’t sit down, muscles tense, mind going in all directions.

My hope for myself is that by giving my anxiety a funny name and a “face” it will not scare me as much. I will be able to let the anxious times come without fighting them, knowing they will pass.

Introduction

My name is Jill. I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder.  I was diagnosed with this about four years ago. I went through a period, after a minor surgical procedure, of frequent anxiety attacks.  I lost forty pounds in three months and finally consented to starting on a prescription called Zoloft.  I went for four years without another anxiety attack, then February 2016, I began having these anxiety attacks again. I am pretty sure this is because of a very busy lifestyle and a sudden, HUGE, issue at work involving a close friend and ultimately myself and my children.  

I always know when I am getting an anxiety attack, my mind starts thinking only negative thoughts and everything, and I mean everything, scares me and I get a creepy-crawly feeling up my shoulders and the back of my neck.  When I first had anxiety attacks, I would think I was having heart problems, my chest hurt, rapid breathing, scared I was going to pass out. That does not happen anymore, I have learned to try and regulate my breathing.   

In the middle of an attack, thoughts pop into my head that can be wild and very unsettling. I worry about having cancer, maybe I have just missed symptoms. I wonder if I am going crazy and will end up being hospitalized. I become anxious for my children’s safety. I become anxious for my children’s health, mental and physical. I worry about my husband’s health and what would happen if he died, how could I handle it.

When my mind calms down, I feel very depressed. I worry and worry. I do not want these to happen again, but know it probably will.

So that is why I am writing this blog. I began an anxiety journal to help me get the negative thoughts out in the open. When exposed, the thoughts do not seem so scary.  I think it is unrealistic to think that I will never have another anxiety attack. Transferring my journal to a blog may help someone else realize they are not alone. By the way, I am a Christian and will bring my faith into this blog as well.